I never in my life thought it would be such a difficult thing to sit down at my computer and write something to post on this blog. Never. I’m not sure how long I’ve historically gone without posting in the four years I’ve been writing here–I could look, but I don’t really care–but I’m pretty sure those other gaps in contribution were nothing like this last one has been. In the weeks since my last appearance here, which was over a month ago, I have sold my house, purchased a house that turned out to be a den of mold and unseen disrepair, terminated contract on that house, purchased another house, vacated my home of almost 8 years, and moved into temporary housing. I have also run headfirst and hard into the realization that this job I now occupy is not a good fit for me, have applied for another job, and have started taking an anti-depressant. Good times, friends. Good times.
I’ll be honest with you about this post: I don’t even want to be writing it. I am already disgusted by how self-pitying it sounds. I am forcing myself to continue out of sheer desire to rediscover my writing self, who, according to writing practice theory, is not just going to show up unbidden like that muse I used to have in college when life was simple and cranking out a poem in an afternoon was a routine activity. Apparently I have to write in order to write. And even though I’ve said I was going to do just that about a dozen times on this very site, this time I am for real, because this time I can feel myself slipping into a place I don’t want to go, and I’m the only one who can stop me from falling. I knew there was trouble when I logged into WP last week and seriously considered deleting my blog. The alarms that sounded as that thought passed through my head were a big wake-up call, and I heard my sane voice state, well, sanely, “If you don’t want to abandon it, for God’s sake write something and make it worth the space it’s occupying.”
I am not making any public vows or promises to anyone but myself. I’m not pledging to post daily. I’m not even sure I can keep up any sort of daily writing practice outside of actual blogging. I’m just giving myself a nudge, a little push in the direction of a light I know I haven’t completely lost, even though it feels like it much of the time. I am not yet a permanent resident of the dark place, and I am hoping for the best.