I’m not really sure where to begin this LONG overdue post. I thought by the time I finally got up the nerve to write what I’m about to write, I’d be happy and relaxed and comfortable with “going public.” But I’m not. I’m shaking. My heart is beating fast. I feel like I should go get my fertility necklace and my prayer bead bracelets and my Venus of Willendorf and clutch them to me. This is not how I imagined sharing this news with the people who read this blog. But here it is. I’m pregnant. I have been for 12 weeks now. You’re probably wondering why I’ve held out on you, so I’ll get right to it.
1. Sheer terror. If you have suffered loss of any kind you most likely understand this phenomenon. You are looking at the positive pregnancy tests and expecting the very worst. You are afraid to call your doctor. You cannot eat on the day of the first beta, or any of them for that matter. And God forbid there be blood. Blood at 7 weeks was the end for me. I called my doctor’s office that morning and then walked around in a stupor all day until my 2:00 appointment, where they showed me a bean-sized baby with a giant beating heart–and a subchorionic hemorrhage. I cried so much I don’t even remember much of what should have been the magical first ultrasound. I have only just recently stopped looking for blood–and that is an exaggeration. I only suffered one miscarriage–a very early one, at that–and still, sometimes I think this is all a dream, that it’s too good to be true, that the next time I go to the doctor the ultrasound tech is going to look at me and say, “Oh, well, it looks like we made a mistake. There’s no baby in there after all.” So yeah. Every time I thought, “okay, today I’m telling my fellow bloggers,” some heinous fear kept me from it. Today, though, I decided to kick fear’s ass. I don’t want to spend the next six months battling this kind of worry, at least not without support from my friends in the computer.
2. And then there was worry of a different kind. I’ve been struggling with it for weeks, but yesterday Bri said it. That pretty much sums it up. Basically, I’ve been waiting for Bri and Calliope to get knocked up. I know there are lots more of us in the fertility trenches, but when I joined Fertility Friend a year ago, they too had just joined, had just started the fertility journey. I could relate to so much of what they were going through. In my mind I had this little fantasy that we’d all get pregnant at the same time and share symptoms and stories, and eventually we’d compare notes about our kids. Realistically this is not impossible. I remember how it felt to find out that my best friend was pregnant on the very day I started my period after my sixth failed IUI. I had decided that day to take yet another break; she told me she was pregnant that night. She had that same little picture in her head–that we’d both be pregnant at the same time. As it turns out, we are. I think Bri and Cali and I will all be pregnant at the same time, too. But selfishly I don’t want them to “secretly hate me” for being pregnant first, or to stop reading my blog. I can only hope that doesn’t happen, but that’s not my biggest hope. My biggest hope is that they’ll both be announcing their pregnancies soon, too, because that’s what’s meant to be, I am positively certain of it.
I want to make it clear that I didn’t practically stop blogging the past several weeks because of all this pregnancy stuff. I was telling the truth about the madness that is the end of a school year. I think I have school “washed off of me” now, and the world is starting to look interesting again. I’m starting to relax a little. I’m having ideas and original thoughts for the first time since spring break. I think I can safely say I’m back into a groove that involves taking pictures and writing and blogging. I hope you’ll all still be around.