I’m not really sure where to begin this LONG overdue post. I thought by the time I finally got up the nerve to write what I’m about to write, I’d be happy and relaxed and comfortable with “going public.” But I’m not. I’m shaking. My heart is beating fast. I feel like I should go get my fertility necklace and my prayer bead bracelets and my Venus of Willendorf and clutch them to me. This is not how I imagined sharing this news with the people who read this blog. But here it is. I’m pregnant. I have been for 12 weeks now. You’re probably wondering why I’ve held out on you, so I’ll get right to it.

1. Sheer terror. If you have suffered loss of any kind you most likely understand this phenomenon. You are looking at the positive pregnancy tests and expecting the very worst. You are afraid to call your doctor. You cannot eat on the day of the first beta, or any of them for that matter. And God forbid there be blood. Blood at 7 weeks was the end for me. I called my doctor’s office that morning and then walked around in a stupor all day until my 2:00 appointment, where they showed me a bean-sized baby with a giant beating heart–and a subchorionic hemorrhage. I cried so much I don’t even remember much of what should have been the magical first ultrasound. I have only just recently stopped looking for blood–and that is an exaggeration. I only suffered one miscarriage–a very early one, at that–and still, sometimes I think this is all a dream, that it’s too good to be true, that the next time I go to the doctor the ultrasound tech is going to look at me and say, “Oh, well, it looks like we made a mistake. There’s no baby in there after all.” So yeah. Every time I thought, “okay, today I’m telling my fellow bloggers,” some heinous fear kept me from it. Today, though, I decided to kick fear’s ass. I don’t want to spend the next six months battling this kind of worry, at least not without support from my friends in the computer.

2. And then there was worry of a different kind. I’ve been struggling with it for weeks, but yesterday Bri said it. That pretty much sums it up. Basically, I’ve been waiting for Bri and Calliope to get knocked up. I know there are lots more of us in the fertility trenches, but when I joined Fertility Friend a year ago, they too had just joined, had just started the fertility journey. I could relate to so much of what they were going through. In my mind I had this little fantasy that we’d all get pregnant at the same time and share symptoms and stories, and eventually we’d compare notes about our kids. Realistically this is not impossible. I remember how it felt to find out that my best friend was pregnant on the very day I started my period after my sixth failed IUI. I had decided that day to take yet another break; she told me she was pregnant that night. She had that same little picture in her head–that we’d both be pregnant at the same time. As it turns out, we are. I think Bri and Cali and I will all be pregnant at the same time, too. But selfishly I don’t want them to “secretly hate me” for being pregnant first, or to stop reading my blog. I can only hope that doesn’t happen, but that’s not my biggest hope. My biggest hope is that they’ll both be announcing their pregnancies soon, too, because that’s what’s meant to be, I am positively certain of it.

I want to make it clear that I didn’t practically stop blogging the past several weeks because of all this pregnancy stuff. I was telling the truth about the madness that is the end of a school year. I think I have school “washed off of me” now, and the world is starting to look interesting again. I’m starting to relax a little. I’m having ideas and original thoughts for the first time since spring break. I think I can safely say I’m back into a groove that involves taking pictures and writing and blogging. I hope you’ll all still be around.

17 thoughts on “Revelation

  1. Congratulations, SNEAKY!

    Holy shit!

    My first thought was, wait a minute… I don’t even remember inseminating. What the hell?

    And then I went back and saw a quiet little psst… on April 3rd, yes?

    And then I realized that there had never been any BFN woes shared.

    A) You are sneaky.
    B) We are obviously all wrapped up in our own silly little lives not to have noticed such a thing.

    I, for one, suspected nothing – I know firsthand the school stuff. I just assumed that was the problem.

    But I missed you so.

    How very, very weird that I wrote what I did yesterday!! Please know that I, in my typical self-centered way, was really thinking very regally, “Oh my, I hope everyone doesn’t hate me when I discover that I am ever so pregnant next week.” I didn’t mean that I would hate you or anyone else.

    But OH YOU ARE SNEAKY! I am a bit infuriated that you went through all that crap without us to help you. We are ever so helpful.

    Super big congratulations and hoards of bouncing green men and so much love.

    PS. You practically share a due date with my best friend.

  2. OH!!! You sneaky little minx!
    I had some sort of hunch that something HUGE was going on in your life. I just wanted you to talk about it.

    I SO get your reasons for the radio silence. I am, in fact, a bit weepy that you felt you had to wait to share such fucking AMAZING news! But weepy with love & adoration.

    I hate that you went through the beginning w/o sharing- but I hope now you will share it ALL!!

    I hope Bri & I can both come through for you soon as I think your hope is a fantastic one. In fact I hope that all of the gals on the ride get off THIS coaster & on to the next one.

    I am THRILLED, OVER THE MOON for you!

    You can’t get rid of me!

    xoxoxoxo & belated happy dance!

  3. Oh I am so happy for you! Every success by one of us is really a success for all of us – something we can look to for hope in the future. Yay for your baby!

  4. Okay, I’d be freaking out too. (I’ve got a head start, I think.) But you have a BIG BEATING HEART, and for that I’m jealous. Hang in there, little one!

    ps I like your new template.

  5. Congratulations, dear. You know how happy I am for you. Does it get cold enough where you are for a funky crocheted baby hat? And when is your due date?

    Not only is your new blog look wonderfu, but I think your new profile pic is magical and perfect – you, blossoming.

  6. What fantastic news! I also started ttc around the same time as you/Cali/Bri (April last year), and I think it’s just wonderful to hear of your pregnancy. Couldn’t be happier for you :o)

    I hope that the rest of the pregancy runs smoothly for you now – and that we will get to hear more about it!

  7. OMG! Sending you nothing but joy & happiness. I can completely understand your hesitancy & say bravo to you for deciding to go public despite that. Looking forward to all the baby updates 🙂

  8. Yay yay yay yay! I’m so glad (and I am so glad you finally posted – it was killing us!!). Yay yay yay yay!

  9. I’m incredibly happy for you. I know you by association–our mothers are best friends–and I’m so very happy this has worked, finally!

  10. Whoo-whoo! Congratulations. And wow o wow to your self discipline and sensitivity. My fingers are crossed for all of you.

  11. You are amazing, and we are so so so so so so so so so so so so EXCITED and THRILLED for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. sneaky wench!

    congratulations & fingers crossed for a very smooth remaining two trimesters…



  13. I’m so late to read this but CONGRATULATIONS!!! That is so wonderful!!! a little “hd” on the way!!!

    I’m really happy for you really!!!
    A big big Hug!

  14. I’m sorry to be so late to this party, but I haven’t been keeping up while in Provincetown writing. So, a belated but heartfelt congratulations! Wishing you and the sprout much good health and joy.

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