If Chapin and Suzanna were to converse (magically) for an entire day, and you could understand them, what would they say?
Suzanna: Um, you’re not supposed to be up there on the counter.
Chapin: Bite me.
S: Uh, I’m telling Mom.
C: Bite me.
S: Hey, you’re not supposed to be scratching the sofa.
C: Bite me.
S: I am SO telling Mom.
C: Bite me.
S: Excuse me, but that’s MY food you’re eating.
C: Bite me.
S: Your bowl is full. I can see it from here. I’m telling Mom.
C: Bite me.
And so on, until I finally arrive and Suzanna is so excited to see me that all of Chapin’s bad behavior is forgotten as she wiggles uncontrollably and smiles her freaky dog smile. Chapin is, of course, smirking and thinking to himself, “Stupid dog.”
If you had to choose between being blind, being deaf, or being mute, which would you pick, and why?
Mute. I didn’t talk much at all when I was a child; I learned a lot that way, keeping my mouth shut and my eyes and ears open. Lots of trouble is started by talking. I’m a better writer than speaker anyway, so if I couldn’t talk I’d never be put on the spot. I’d always be able to plan out what I want to say to people. I know I’m going to botch this, so maybe someone can set me straight, but in some culture you aren’t allowed to speak unless you are holding the talking stick or some other such object. I think this is a good idea and would serve our culture well, not to mention our government. It would save people from making big fools of themselves or saying things they don’t really mean. As far as I can see, talking causes a lot of trouble.
Of course, there was this one time when speaking would have saved me a lot of trouble. I was hiding from my cousin Tanya because I didn’t want to play with her. I could hear her calling me and calling me from across the street (we weren’t allowed to cross without supervision, so she was probably waiting for me to materialize so I could have someone escort me to her house) but I remained silent and hidden. Then another voice joined the call. My mom’s voice. Because I was a little bit afraid of Tanya back then, I didn’t answer my mom, because if I revealed myself then Tanya would know where I’d been the whole time, and she’d know I’d been ignoring her. My mom kept calling; I kept not answering. Finally my mom set out on a search of the yard and discovered me, curled up behind one of the big Maples in my grandparents’ yard. She had been worried, but when she saw me in hearing distance and realized I’d been able to hear her the whole time, she jerked me up out of hiding, broke a switch off the tree, and swatted me all the way back to the house. Tanya saw it all and was mean to me for the rest of the week. So yeah, talking would have been a good idea in that situation. But I could do without it otherwise.
Why haven’t you seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, young lady?!?
Because Willy Wonka is a symbol of Fascism and his candymaking symbolizes his desire to lure people everywhere into the big trap that is Fascist society.
Actually, that is bullshit. I don’t know why I haven’t seen it. “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” was awesome, and I like the story, so I don’t know what’s holding me back. I think it’s coming up on my Netflix list, though, so I’ll be watching it soon.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Because on the day that I was born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true. So they sprinkled moondust in my hair and golden starlight in my eyes of…wait. That’s not right.
Who is your favorite sister?
My first thought was Whoopi Goldberg, but she wasn’t really a sister, she was just pretending. I also like Julie Andrews, but her heart wasn’t in it and she eventually became a singer, so she doesn’t count either. So I guess I’d have to say Mary Patrick and Mary Clarence–I don’t know their real names–the chunky one who danced in the bar and the little one with the big voice. Oh, and the old one, the one who had a gravely voice and always had something sarcastic to say. Yes, those are my favorite sisters.
And last, but CERTAINLY not least, will you write my paper for me? Why or why not?
No, I will not write your paper for you. I will not write your paper for you for three reasons. First, I just finished writing a paper of my own. It was 21 pages long. I do not want to write another paper for a very long time. Second, I have no idea what your paper is supposed to be about. I mean, what if I wrote it on the life cycle of frogs, but it was actually supposed to be about the process by which beer is made? You would get an “F.” The third and final reason I will not write your paper for you is that you are a brilliant writer and should have no trouble chronicling the life cycle of frogs, or whatever it is you are chronicling.
This post brought to you by Megan.