Fine and dandy like a hard candy Christmas

Well, I guess this is the post you’ve all been waiting for. It’s the post I’ve been waiting to write, actually. It’s the one wherein I tell you that after six attempts and one failed pregnancy, I am still not pregnant, and it’s the one where I announce, Ross and Rachel style, that I am now officially “on a break.”

When I started this journey last January, charting and getting acquainted with the rhythms of my body, I was convinced that it would take no time at all once the inseminations began. Why wouldn’t I think that? Except for a brief time during elementary and early middle school, during which I actually came close to failing the fourth grade, I have always been an over-achiever. I “get” things quickly. Pregnancy, to me, would not be an exception. I remember reading about women who had been trying for months, who were on all sorts of drugs and had encountered all sorts of horrendous problems, and I just knew I was not going to be one of those women. Now, almost eight months, three Clomid prescriptions, six inseminations, and one miscarriage later, I realize that the Universe probably got a good laugh out of my attitude. What’s more important is what I’ve gotten out of it.

I’d love to say I’m more patient now than when I started, but that would be a lie, and there are already enough lies on the Internet as it is. What I am is more aware–of time, of my own humanity, of the immensity of my support system, and of the delicate balance that is life. This is not the end of my quest to conceive and birth a child; it’s merely a drop in the bucket, and my self-inflicted break will be an opportunity to regroup, renew, and refocus my energy…not to mention a chance to lose these five pounds I’ve gained, rediscover my muscles, work on new yoga postures, and enjoy the spirit (and spirits!) of Christmas.

In the meantime, I’m paying my doctor a very lengthy visit. It’s time for the usual tests and check-ups, but I want the works–if something isn’t working properly I want it fixed. If you’ve been in my shoes and you think there’s a test I should have or a question I should ask my doctor, do let me know.

And so you know, I’m fine. Really. Fine and dandy. I’ve already passed the lowest point–the point at which I was cursing the cramps that shook me wide awake at one in the morning, the point at which I could not shake the thought that had I not lost the pregnancy in July I’d be six months pregnant by now–and now I’m looking forward. I’m going to be SO happy for Emilin and Jen in a few months, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Calliope and Amanda & T and Bri, and I have no doubt that someday we’ll all be exchanging advice and telling stories about our kids on these very blogs.

Thanks for the support, friends. Now somebody make me a Cosmopolitan–I’m WAY behind.


5 thoughts on “Fine and dandy like a hard candy Christmas

  1. Well, you know that Ross and Rachel DID get pregnant together extra-long-extended-break and all.

    Here’s hoping that your break is not extra-long-extended.

    Sending you hugs and vaguely cranberry-juice-related beverages in cold conical glasses.

  2. YOU make ME proud. I’m glad you have such a positive attitude about this! Now, cheers!

    (I’ll make you a cosmopolitan if I can have one, too!)

  3. First, lots of hugs. Even if you’re totally fine, I know it’s still frustrating and painful, so all kinds of hugs and comfort food and forbidden food and tasty beverages to you. And of course, coffee Haagen Dasz!

    Now, onto the assvice. I can’t remember what you have or haven’t had done, so my apologies if any of it is redundant.

    1)An HSG – but timing is important here. If your break is to be lengthy, do the HSG towards the middle or end of the break, because there’s an increased likelihood of getting pregnant in the 3-6 months following an HSG (and the first couple of months are the highest chance).

    2) I think you get ultrasounds & trigger shots to make sure you are ovulating, but if you don’t, when you are ready to insem again, make sure they’re part of the plan. Would suck to shoot all that $$ up there for no egg.

    3) Acupuncture & possibly chinese herbs. They have worked wonders for a lot of people.

    4) Switch donors and make sure you ask the bank about success rates (DELIVERIES, not just pregnancies). You just may not be compatible with the first donor, and/or that donor may not be getting many women pregnant.

    5) I think that your cycles are pretty regular, but you might want to ask to get your blood sugars & thyroid checked. You don’t seem to have any other symptoms of PCOS or thyroid trouble that I can tell, but both conditions can really interfere with getting pregnant.

    6) When we were not getting/staying pregnant, we kept toying with the idea of a known donor because FRESH is so much better. (We have a doctor here who will do IUIs with fresh from a known donor, which will REALLY up the odds, but not all docs are willing to do that.) It’s something to put on the table, though we never went that far ourselves, given all of the other legal and emotional issues that go along with it.

    That’s what I’ve got off the top of my head. Good luck on the break and BEST LUCK when you get back to it!

  4. Ok- Jen had the master list.
    (& some of that stuff I am going to try!)
    After six failed cycles my RE declared me to have ‘unexplained infertility’. To which I screamed, “EXPLAIN it!”
    So I get that you want to have all the tests done. It helps to feel a bit more in control.
    I am so amazed at your resilience & grace. I feel so lucky to have gotten to know you.
    Will you do updates every so often?
    Pretty Please?

  5. i’m really truly sorry. Even though the disappointment doesn’t seem as sharp and surprising as it does in the beginning, it starts to feel like a dull throb that just disheartens us more and more. And we all know it shouldn’t be that way–it just is. This break may be just what you need. Time to refocus on YOU, and take care of yourself, FOR yourself right now. i’m wishing you all the best…and hope you don’t stop writing because it’s not about baby-makin’ for a while. 🙂

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