one small corner of the universe

Well, I’ve done it again. It’s been almost a month since I’ve been here. Not that I haven’t had plenty to talk about, mind you, and maybe that’s the problem–there’s been too much to talk about. It’s hard to know where to begin. I’ll just start at the beginning. Worked for Julie Andrews and all those little Von Trapp children, didn’t it?

I’ll try to make this short and sweet:

Remember Joey and Geena? You know, my egg and her 30 million potential cellular soulmates who rendezvoused on July 2? Apparently there was some chemistry there, because they hooked up and started making a fetus–I got a positive home pregnancy test 16 days after insemination. But they must have had a falling out, because about 10 days later I had an early miscarriage. In between there was a series of low non-doubling betas (for the non-TTCers out there, that basically means the hormone necessary for a healthy, thriving fetus was not being produced fast enough, and there was a shortage of it from the start), as well as some nasty business with my former fertility clinic, the NORTH CAROLINA CENTER FOR REPRODUCTIVE MEDICINE. (When I write the letter complaining about the unprofessionalism and inhumanity I encountered at this place I will post it for all to see.) I’m happy to report that I have a new doctor and plans to try again in the next few weeks. Hopefully all is well with Geena the Egg(s), but we’ve said our farewells to Joey. You know, three strikes and all. There is new sperm, but it doesn’t have a name, per se. So far I’m referring to it as “Czech Guy.” Stay tuned.

Needless to say, the “I’m pregnant. No wait, I’m not pregnant” saga occupied a lot of my time and energy. Disappointment, sadness, anger (thanks to the clinic), and general physical discomfort can take a lot out of a girl. I spent a great deal of time on the couch reading and staring at the television. Oh yeah, and eating Sweet 16 chocolate doughnuts. There were a lot of doughnuts. Fortunately I watched and read some decent things, and even listened to some good music. I’m now in love with Coldplay’s new CD, as well as everything Jack Johnson has ever recorded. I re-read the entire Harry Potter series while waiting for a borrowed copy of The Half Blood Prince (which I read in less than 24 hours.) I also read The Mermaid Chair, The True and Outstanding Adventures of the Hunt Sisters, The Solace of Leaving Early, The Obituary Writer, The Color of Light, and the first few chapters of both Ya-Yas in Bloom and Kate Vaiden. I also watched (or in some cases, re-watched) “National Treasure,” “In Good Company,” “City Slickers,” “The First Wives Club,” “Notting Hill,” “Steel Magnolias,” “Racing Stripes,” “Miss Congeniality 2,” “Ocean’s Twelve,” “Frequency,” and about a gazillion re-runs of “Friends” and “Will and Grace.”

But even though I felt like my weeklong slug-a-thon was the right thing to do for my body (and probably my mind as well), I can only be a slug for so long. When I finally started to feel like a real person again I escaped my house, the couch, the TV, and yes, the computer. I thought a lot about all the blog posts I could have written, but I never wrote them. I just wasn’t ready to talk about any of this until now, and while there were normal things I could have written about, I couldn’t seem to get it done. I had writer’s block, which is just a simple way of saying “I have to process these many words in my head before they can become sentences so I can turn them into paragraphs, and processing takes time.” I think I’ve processed everything now, though, and it’s good to be back.

Note: This post was originally much longer and far more philosophical, but apparently when blogger.com schedules down time for maintenance purposes, there is no way to save what you have been typing for over an hour, thus causing all of your highly processed words, sentences and paragraphs to disappear. If only it were so simple to make the pounds I’ve gained from aforementioned lying around and eating doughnuts vanish from my ass….