Some things to do in lieu of taking premature home pregnancy tests

I haven’t even made it through one full week since my last insemination, and already I’m wondering just how “early” that First Response Early Result HPT packaging means. I know it would be crazy of me to test now, but there’s no escaping the thoughts of temptation. So I’ve been thinking of ways to preoccupy myself. Here are a few activities that have real potential:

1. Have your husband, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, sister, father, brother, neighbor, water meter reader, or postman hide your home pregnancy tests (because surely you have more than one lying around) in really obscure places about your house and yard, and then spend the rest of the day looking for them. After all, how long has it been since you’ve participated in an Easter egg hung? It will be good practice for hunting eggs with your future child. When you’ve found them all (because surely you’ve purchased several of each brand and from varying price ranges), engage your husband, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, sister, father, brother, neighbor, water meter reader, or postman in a nice game of Pick-up Sticks. Again, more practice.

2. Sit in the warm June sun and read a good book until you are no longer thinking about peeing on a stick, or until the sun goes down, whichever comes first. FYI, calendula gel is excellent for sunburn due to overexposure. It can be purchased at your local health food store. Apply it liberally to sunburned areas. This particular diversion should not be used for several days in a row.

3. Practice a seated or reclined yoga meditation. Meditate for hours if necessary, but avoid doing a reclined meditation on a deck or porch that can be viewed by neighbors and passing cars. These people may not understand what you are up to and may be tempted to run over to you and see if you are okay, or, in extreme situations (96 degree heat, for instance), assume that you’ve experienced heat stroke and call 911.

4. Play hours and hours of Internet Scrabble. I’m starting to get an elevated sense of my Scrabble-playing abilities, so if anyone would like to email me a challenge, please feel free to do so.

5. Spend hours adding bells and whistles to your blog. Better yet, spend hours reading other people’s blogs.

6. Clean every inch of your house. Twice. More if necessary. Be sure to engage obscure cleaning tools, like lint rollers and ceiling fan dusters, and take this opportunity to find out exactly what those strange attachements on the vacuum cleaner do.

On that note, I’d best go vacuum my carpet. The telltale vacuum lines have faded, so it must be dirty. Right? Right.

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