Cars my age are considered antiques

So today is my birthday. I was all excited that it fell on a Friday this year, but thus far it’s been uneventful, and parts of it have downright sucked. Consider the following:

  • My skin is breaking out. Yes, with zits. I have not had a breakout since I got pregnant and now, today, on my birthday, I have two zits on my chin. What the hell? I have always said if you are old enough to have gray hair, age spots on your hands (yes, I do, thanks; they’re hereditary), and crow’s feet, you should not have to suffer acne. Am I right ladies?
  • This afternoon our assistant principal announced over the intercom that our county was under a tornado warning. Warning means a tornado has been spotted, which means we have to take the kids into the hallways and have them sit against the walls. Have I mentioned to you people that my school is a collection of “pods”? Pods are really big trailers. Our school is an academic trailer park, if you will. My first thought is safety, and you’d think that would also be the first thought of children who lived through a school fire, but no, they are far more concerned that their clothes might get dirty. Have I mentioned to you people that they are building the new school just feet from our “pod village” and it has not rained in so long that on Monday we actually had a dust storm? We are dirty ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. There is dust in our books and on our computers. There is dust on our refrigerator and coffee maker, which are in a room with no windows. We are like a big school of Joads, and today I almost shoved my grapes of wrath up a kid’s ass. Here’s what happened:

There are two classrooms in the library building; a hallway connects them to us, and it was in that hallway that the students in our building were supposed to be sitting, ON THE FLOOR, after the tornado announcment was made. Several students refused, most of them jackasses I had to deal with in classes last year (see: every single post under Work is Hell), and I wanted the pleasure of making them sit on their Sean Johns and shut the hell up. So while I’m explaining that “this is not a drill” for the 7 millionth time to a kid who said he would sit down if all the teachers sat down, the girl behind me says, loudly, “Why she got her ass all up in my face?” I turned around so fast I suspect I might have resembled that guy who played Professor Quirrell in the first Harry Potter movie when he removed his turban. Or something like that, because she looked kind of shocked. I don’t think I was supposed to hear her. She recovered quickly, though, and did that little teenage girl head shake-eye roll-lip snarl and said, “Why you looking at me?” It’s a good thing for her that my phone rang.

  • The weather is freaky. Tornadoes scare me to death. If I didn’t have Mia I would go sit in my closet with the light on and read. I am so not kidding. But she doesn’t deal well with confinement, so I am listening to the weather and pretending everything is cool, but I can’t ignore the fact that the expired tornado warning has been reinstated. It’s dark outside (at 4:46) and the rain is deafening. I wanted rain for my birthday; now I see I should have been more specific: NO TORNADOS.
  • I miss my grandma. I will write about her death in time, but unfortunately, thanks to the scum-sucking ass-munch bastard son-of-a-bitch she was married to (NOT my grandfather, who died 18 years ago), we can’t just mourn her and try to move on. As you can imagine, it’s a long, long story. And no, I don’t really want to talk about it right now.
  • I am out of beer. Really, what kind of solo birthday celebration can I have with no beer? So far the score is 33: 1, me: 0.


Ah, but I can’t ignore the big picture. I am healthy, I have a wonderful family and really great friends. I have a house and food and clothes. I have a beautiful daughter, also healthy. She has lots of clothes, too, which reminds me….

Did one of you fabulous blog people send my baby a package? Because she is now the proud owner of two really awesome t-shirts, both from The Onion’s online store, and they arrived with no sender information. Either someone who knows me pretty well sent them, or Mia knows how to order things from the internet.

Anyway, life really is good, and I will celebrate my birthday week starting today, and come to think of if, I DO have some vodka. Who needs beer? 33 can kiss my butt.

5 thoughts on “Cars my age are considered antiques

  1. Happy Birthday!!!

    Shoving your Grapes of Wrath up a kid’s ass… that particular linguistic flight made me laugh out loud.

    I really hope that your birthday week gets better.

    And that a tornado doesn’t hit your house OR your trailer park school.

    Cause that’s the last thing you need.

    sending lots of vodka love your way & prayers to Gayle and her Mother.
    Tornadoes scare me too. Just that siren…
    Hope you are all safe this weekend.

  3. Oh god – the whole Joad thing was the best ever. Really, ever.
    I’ll be 33 soon, too and I so commiserate with the over 30-break-outs – gray hair and zits do not match.
    Happy, happy birthday – wishing you a year without tornadoes.

  4. Happy belated birthday!!! I have a card to send to you… that is, as soon as I find it… I bought it before the move so you can imagine how it might not be easy to locate at the moment… sorry :)…

    Also, sorry about the sucky birthday… I hope your week improves. That tornado warning freaked me out too. The rain was great… the tornados, not so much…

    I will keep Gayle and her mom in my thoughts and prayers.

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