Truth in advertising

I’ve been updating my resume. I’ve been at the same job and the same location for 10 years, so it’s been a while since I’ve conquered this task. I’ve accumulated a number of workshops, conferences, classes, presentations, and activities in 10 years, and I’ve been keeping track of them, but making them fit a specific purpose* is an exercise in creativity. A resume is, after all, an ad campaign, a sales pitch, a billboard on the side of life’s highway begging the right buyer to invest in whatever skill you’re selling. Suddenly, my role as English department chair becomes “Team leader responsible for the planning of meetings and dissemination of information for eight teachers; administrative liaison for department members,” and putting student grades into my gradebook software becomes “Organized student data, including demographics, assessment, daily progress, and behavior patterns using system-wide data management software.” I have turned a decade of teaching experience into a document that makes me appear qualified to run the FBI. It’s impressive, and most of it is true in spite of some mild embellishment, but it has me thinking–what if we told the whole truth about ourselves and our work experiences? What would unembellished, honest resumes look like, and would any of us ever get hired to do anything ever again? Something to think about. While you’re thinking, here for your enjoyment is an excerpt from my resume, the uncut, unenhanced version:


1234 My Street, Medium-Sized City, NC, 12345 ~ (123)555-6789 ~

Profile: I am a real bitch before 9:00 a.m.; I prefer to avoid human contact, including phone conversations and email, during the morning hours. I enjoy working with others as long as they are not stupid. I am easily distracted and suffer from ADD-like symptoms, especially when I am doing things that involve numbers or tasks that I find pointless. I have very little control over my facial expressions and so my opinions about most matters are clear even if not verbally expressed.

Skills Summary: Binge-eating chocolate doughnuts; extracting canine anal glands; making lattes; obsessive vacuuming; making up recipes; doodling during meetings; letter writing; people watching

Professional Experience

English Teacher, East Crazy High School, Crazy, NC, 1996-Present

  • Tolerated obscene amounts of insanity, stupidity, apathy, and thick-headedness
  • Became skilled through on-the-job training in the detection of lame excuses and shameless lies
  • Made many noble attempts to convert chicken shit to chicken salad
  • Developed extensive knowledge of contemporary language and culture, yo
  • Attended numerous meetings lead by people who were being paid to hear themselves talk
  • Supported the agendas of various administrators even though they were total idiots
  • Attempted to present inordinate amounts of information to unreceptive subjects in a short time period, all in the name of a test, taken by the subjects at the year’s end, the results of which determined my own instructional abilities

Computer/Technology Skills

  • Creation of superb South Park charicatures of friends and co-workers
  • Surfing the net when there are other more important things to do
  • Sending emails
  • Instant messaging
  • Capacity for spending long hours in front of computer completing totally mindless activities
  • Setting the time on the VCR/DVD player
  • Attained “Expert” level at online Scrabble
  • Creative photo editing

*Don’t ask, because I might tell you, and then I’d have to kill you. Details forthcoming.

7 thoughts on “Truth in advertising

  1. I just came across your blog as I was procrastinating from writing cover letters and revising resumes. My partner just came into the room to see why I’m laughing so loudly. Yes sweetheart, very funny resume. Very funny indeed.

  2. I’d totally hire you! Actually, if you do find a job that requires those skills, do let me know as I’ve cultivated a resume quite similar to this one. With a heavy emphasis on the slacking via the Internet. I’m an EXPERT slacker.

  3. Too funny. I think your skills are wasted at your current job! 🙂

    Hey, that reminds me, we haven’t played Scrabble in a LONG time! You game?

  4. Damn girl! You are totally accomplished. I can’t do half of what you do. And I’m talking about the unembellished you, here.

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