Dear Harris Teeter Grocery Stores: A few weeks ago you opened a new Harris Teeter store off of a major thoroughfare near my house. I travel this road often, and I saw the “opening soon!” signs hanging from the building, but imagine my surprise when I saw one of those airport spotlight things shining brightly into the sky from the roof of the new Harris Teeter. Do you really think someone driving down Busy Boulevard is going to say, “We’re out of milk and bread. We need to find a grocery store. Kids, keep your eyes peeled for a spotlight!”
Dear Driver of Blue Honda Accord Who Passed Me on Highway 70 Tuesday Morning: When you flew up behind me as if attempting to park your little blue car in my hatchback I swore at you, but when you proceeded to pass me and three other people in the turn lane, I became apoplectic and vowed to catch up with you so I could commit your license plate number to memory. As it turns out, I ended up behind you at a stoplight, and we both turned left, at which point you passed the two people in front of you on a double yellow line. Since there is nothing in that direction but a bunch of houses, some churches, and the local middle and high schools, and since you were in such a damn hurry, I was sure you were either a) an undercover fireman or police officer heading for the scene of some horrible crime, b) in labor and going to your midwife or doctor’s house, or c) some strange person who is so excited about getting to work that you insist on violating three traffic laws to get there. Of those choices, C was the most accurate, because you turned onto the dead end street where both schools are located, but because I park behind the high school I don’t know which school was your ultimate destination. Don’t worry, though, I memorized your license plate and turned it in to the school resource officer. Perhaps there’s nothing he can do about you, but I wish you a cop on every corner for the rest of eternity, you stupid stupid woman.
Dear Buttwipe Who Took a Partially Eaten Hershey Bar and a Handful of Change from my Top Desk Drawer: First of all, the fact that you think it’s okay to go through someone’s personal belongings is reprehensible. I know you were here after school hours when I’m not actually at my desk, but that fact does not make my classroom fair game. That you took the change does not really surprise me, but what kind of person takes a candy bar that someone had already started eating? What if I had left a half-eaten banana on my desk? What if I had some sort of communicable disease? I considered replacing the candy bar with assorted chocolate flavored laxatives, but I wouldn’t actually get to enjoy that, so I’m pondering my next course of action. In the meantime use that money you took from me and buy your own damn candy bar!