Somebody bring me some (vodka disguised as) water

You know it’s not going to be your best day at work when the auto-mechanics at the Citgo station where you’re pumping gas elicit strong feelings of job-envy. I should have considered the feeling a sign, called in sick, and hauled my ass back home. I could be feeding the severely stale loaf of bread I made today’s sandwich with to the ducks at the Bog Garden right now. Oh, intuition.

It has been, hands down, my worst day at work this semester, and that includes the day Principal Got Punched in the Mouth in my Classroom. Today, if I could, I would punch Principal in the mouth myself. I won’t go into too much detail–I’ve learned that lesson vicariously from Dooce Almighty–but I will say this: it is dirty business to change someone’s job assignment and not tell that someone her job assignment has been changed. Dirty indeed.

This, combined with the uncertainty of the Corey situation, the fact that tonight is my first grad class of the semester, and this time of year in general*, has me in a rare state. If I were the type of person who carried a flask I’d be surreptitiously drinking from it right now.

Instead I’m trying to refocus my abundant (albeit negative) energy on the following important questions:

  • Will having worn socks all day today destroy my new foot tattoo**, age one week and three days, given the fact that Tattoo Ryan told me not to wear socks for “a couple of weeks”?
  • Can I make it until February 2 (the date of my next haircut appointment) without shaving my head? If so, will I be asked in the meantime, based on appearance alone, to join a garage band and start calling myself Thorn or Axle?
  • Why do people who drive tanks, er, gigantic SUVs, not signal when they change lanes? Does the purchase of an Executioner or a Land Monster*** come with an honorary Monster Truck license, thereby entitling the carrier to crush small cars for fun?
  • Am I perhaps qualified to be an auto-mechanic?

*It’s January 10. Today’s predicted high temperature is 62. Yesterday it was 69. While I’m enjoying this brief respite from cold weather I know it’s just a trick and that eventually, maybe this month, maybe in February or March, the bitter cold will return. Snow or ice will fall. It will suck. Such is winter in the South.

**Details and a photo coming soon.

***If you are the owner of a gigantic SUV I of course did not mean you.

4 thoughts on “Somebody bring me some (vodka disguised as) water

  1. Delurking because the bit about monster SUVs made me chuckle. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Perhaps car makers of monster SUVs feel that blinkers are optional. After all, if you’re driving a mountain of metal, people are going to SEE you change lanes, right?

  2. i hate to laugh at this post, but it was quite humorous. i’m also sorry to hear today was crappy, but at least you have a better professor this semester, and there’s always tomorrow!

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