I don’t know about you guys, but I for one find it symbolic that Geena Davis’s new show “Commander-in-Chief,” on which she plays the Vice President-would-be-President, is premiering tonight, the very same night that my eggs, also known as Geena1, are making their way to Fertilization Central. I have spoken with the coordinator at my bank, Sperm Lady2, and she has assured me of a Thursday delivery; I have spoken with Peggy at the clinic, and she has instructed me about whom to call in the event of a positive OPK in order to guarantee a Saturday or Sunday insem; and I have spoken to my body, which, at this time, seems to be operating on schedule and in a normal fashion. My only dilemma is the sperm itself.
When I called to place the order for a vial of blue-eyed, blond-haired Czech sperm, Sperm Lady exclaimed, “I thought you wanted hazel eyes.” I replied that yes, I did, but at the moment I could not explain why I had picked blue-eyed Czech Man because I left my Sperm-o-File at home. She gave me the numbers of two hazel-eyed donors who have, and I quote, “crazy sperm.” I asked if that meant they were successful, and she practically shouted YES! I’m pretty sure I have profiles for the Hazel Men at home, and for all I know they are on my top 5 list, so as soon as I get home this afternoon, in the 18 minutes I have between work and grad class, I will consult my file and make a decision. I know it would be simple to stick with Czech Guy, but I just don’t think I should ignore “crazy sperm.”
1 Geena is now officially a plural noun
2 Her real name. Honest.