Ever notice how a little extra money in the bank causes a girl to do some weird shit? Yeah.
So I have this pair of jeans that I got from the Eddie Bauer outlet, and they don’t fit. My plan is to exchange them for something colorful and summer-y. As it turns out, the new EB shorts line is quite colorful and summer-y, and we can all have a pair or two for just $35 a pop. (GASP! $35 for one pair of shorts! Let’s get two!) I picked orange and green (I’m sure the colors were named something much prettier, like “daylily” and “magnolia leaf,” because color identification is just another shameless marketing attack on the hopeless metaphoric). It is here that I must point out the dollar amount I was receiving in the jeans exchange: $19.99. Of course, I had already picked out a “colorful and summer-y” on-sale shirt that was a fairly even trade. But what self-respecting shopper can enter her favorite store without browsing? Enter the shorts. They were just the right length–none of that ass-crack thong-revealing shorter-than-my-underwear business. They came with cute little matching Girl Scout style belts in complementary spring colors. They made me think of July and cold beer and eating out at the beach. Most importantly, they slenderized my ass, and that, my friends, is the single-most significant factor when shopping for anything that is to be worn at, below, or even remotely near the waist (“I’m sorry, but that backpack makes my butt look big. Do you have something I can strap to my head?”). I left the store with an $84 sales receipt in my hand. And a cold sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
This is the part where I defend myself, because later I’m going to seem like a real nutcase, and I’m only slightly so. You see, I did a bridal portrait shoot recently, and I had an extra wad of money in my possession. I’m saving it for something special (stay tuned…that’s a story for another blog), and it’s not shorts. But I’ve always been one to reward myself when I had extra cash–a new outfit, a pedicure, an extra-large pizza and a six-pack of Corona Light. Seventy bucks worth of shorts. You get the picture. But even as I put my shopping bag into my car and pulled away from the scene of the crime, I was having second thoughts. See, this thing I’m saving for–it’s HUGE. Life-altering. It’s a far cry from shorts that slenderize my butt. I drove around the shopping center parking lot three times. In my head, using my limited mathematical reasoning, I decided I could buy four or five pairs of Target brand shorts for what I paid at Eddie. Also in my head were the following random bits of information: last summer I wore the same two pairs of shorts, one gray and one khaki, which are perfectly acceptable “summer-y” colors, by the way; it is currently March, average temperature 60, and I do not need shorts at this time; I do not own anything that would remotely match “daylily.”
Within an hour I took the shorts back. I lied to the nice lady behind the counter, told her I found something I liked better elsewhere. Which is true, in a way. I found my brain. It was hiding behind my checkbook.
Note: the aforementioned shirt, which was the original jeans-exchange item, is hanging in my closet, and it is filled with colorful, summer-y flowers. :o)